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The Onion - Jul 4, 2008
WASHINGTON, DC—Congress narrowly passed the McCann-Hawkins Florida Wetlands Preservation Bill Tuesday, with the deciding vote coming from an unlikely source: Sen. Dwight Q. Peabody (D-RI), the Littlest Senator.
Tagged: politics, news, environment, congress, politicians, midgets
The Onion - Jul 4, 2008
VATICAN CITY—The Vatican has released a strict new set of Church laws intended to reduce the nocturnal emissions of teenage polluters by 50 percent in the next decade, Cardinal Antoni Bertoli announced Monday.
The Onion - Jul 4, 2008
NORFOLK, VA—In what has been dubbed the most "devastating and brutal siege in the history of animal-rights activism," an elite, paramilitary squad of commandos from People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals (PETA) …
Tagged: news, national, environment
The Onion - Jul 4, 2008
WASHINGTON, DC— Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM), ranking Republican on the Senate Subcommittee on Energy and Water Development, revealed Monday that the group is "less a Senate subcommittee than a big family. "[Senator] …
Tagged: politics, news in brief, congress
The Onion - Jul 4, 2008
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
Tagged: onion radio news
The Onion - Jul 4, 2008
Ever since my retirement last month from the sock factory, I've had a lot of extra time to spend around the yard. But the hours of pleasurable pruning I had planned to enjoy with my new cordless rechargeable Master …
Tagged: opinion
The Onion - Jul 4, 2008
I'll admit, Arbor Day isn't as big a holiday as Thanksgiving or Independence Day. But to my mind, it's every bit as special. It signifies the symbiotic relationship we have with the land in a way that no other holiday …
Tagged: friendship, environment, opinion, parties
The Onion - Jul 4, 2008
WASHINGTON, DC–According to a World Wildlife Fund study released Monday, stuffed-animal biodiversity is rapidly rising, with the number of species available in plush form up nearly 800 percent since 1990.
Tagged: news, trends, products, environment, science and technology, children
The Onion - Jul 4, 2008
WASHINGTON, DC—Days after unveiling new power-plant pollution regulations that rely on an industry-favored market-trading approach to cutting mercury emissions, EPA Acting Administrator Stephen Johnson announced that …
Tagged: politics, environment, news in brief
The Onion - Jul 4, 2008
COLLEGE STATION, TX–Texas A&M sophomore Bryan Datillo was jolted from a light sleep during a Botany 101 lecture Monday, when his professor, discussing the various methods by which experimental hybrid crops are …
Tagged: education, news in brief