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  1. [audio] Chimp Study On Human Response To Feces-Hurling Nears Completion

    The Onion - Sep 21, 2008

    Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

    Also tagged: animals, onion radio news

  2. Mob Not Angry At Monster, Just Disappointed

    The Onion - Jul 26, 2008

    CEAMURLIA, ROMANIA—"We can't help him unless he helps himself," said a villager. "Right now, all he seems to want to do is hang out and drown small children."

    Also tagged: news, people, supernatural, rural, self improvement

  3. [video] Domino's Scientists Test Limits Of What Humans Will Eat

    The Onion - Jul 21, 2008

    Despite ethical concerns about testing on humans, researchers say their work was necessary to determine the boundary between garbage and food.

    Also tagged: health, food

  4. Bush Urges Expanded Drilling Of Alaskan Wildlife

    The Onion - Jul 2, 2008

    WASHINGTON, DC—The president reminded Congress Tuesday of the estimated 9.3 billion barrels of drillable bear, elk, and musk ox "right here on American soil."

    Also tagged: politics, animals, energy, news, george w bush, alternative energy, oil

  5. George Takei To Wed Partner

    The Onion - Jun 24, 2008

    Following California's legalization of gay marriage, George Takei, best known as Sulu on Star Trek, has applied to marry his longtime partner....

    Also tagged: entertainment, star trek, american voices

  6. [audio] Drunk Physicists Write Equations All Over Passed-Out Colleague's Face

    The Onion - Jun 19, 2008

    Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

    Also tagged: education, onion radio news

  7. Everything Falling Apart, Reports Institute For Somehow Managing To Hold It All Together

    The Onion - May 14, 2008

    WASHINGTON—"Though we're working to fix things, the situation has become OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE—I just spilled coffee on myself," said the institute's chairman.

    Also tagged: mental health, news, trends, science and technology

  8. Jaded Seismologist Can No Longer Feel Anything Under 7.0 On Richter Scale

    The Onion - May 5, 2008

    SAN FRANCISCO—Numbed by 30-plus years of recording more than 700,000 major and minor earthquakes, seismologist Richard Keefer, 58, told...

    Also tagged: science and technology, news in brief, natural disasters

  9. Son-Of-A-Bitch Mouse Solves Maze Researchers Spent Months Building

    The Onion - Apr 20, 2008

    IOWA CITY, IA—The mouse briskly traversed the complicated wooden maze in under 30 seconds, roughly 1/8,789,258 the time it took to secure funding for the experiment.

    Also tagged: news, science and technology, disease

  10. Science Teacher Struggles To Justify Showing Total Recall

    The Onion - Jan 29, 2008

    SOUTH BELOIT, IL—South Beloit High School biology teacher Nathan Merchant struggled Tuesday to provide a satisfactory educational reason for...

    Also tagged: education, movies, science and technology, news in brief

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